ocg's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fugue It’s amazing how a few days can entirely change your world. I’ve had a major paradigm shift in my life, and it’s really freaking me out. I’ve not thought this much about what I want out of life, or how the life I lead now is so far removed from anything I ever thought I would have, in a very, very long time. I’ve definitely taken the road more traveled, and I have a lot of personal disappointment because of that. Obviously, there must be a part of me that wanted security, stability, comfort- the safe life. It’s been easy. So, so easy. I know I’m the last person that should be having a ‘oh, my life is so bad and I’m so unhappy’ phase, because I really am blessed with all that I do have. By all accounts, I have everything I could need or want. I should be content, right? But the other side of me, the one that used to yearn for adventure, the one that knows that the road less traveled is the harder route, the one that was analytical and charged with seeking out knowledge, the one that put her hands to the art of life and worked it every day, that one: she misses being challenged and motivated and truly thoughtful about all aspects of life. That part has been dying now for seven years. It’s as though I’ve crutched my way through this time in my life, doing the minimum to make it by. I’ve worked (and played) hard, don’t take me wrong, but I can’t shake the feeling that I have been working hard for all of the wrong reasons, toward goals that I’ve been told are what I should want, what will make me happy. I’ve slowly lost more and more of myself, and have allowed myself to become someone that I used to defiantly proclaim I would never be. I’d like to be able to end this on an up note, like, “Hey, check it out, I have this plan to get myself back!” Unfortunately, I’m not seeing it yet. Life is messy. xOx 12:42 p.m. - 2005-06-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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