ocg's Diaryland Diary
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Februarium Day 1
I've been lucky enough to be invited to participate in FEBRUARIUM II by Coleen with one l. Yay!
Day One, February 10: Who you love.
This is a love letter to anyone. Or no one in particular.
Dear Kris,
A lot has happened since you left. It’s been, what, 4296 days now? July 4, 1992. Wow, has it really been 13 years? Holy crap! I can still remember the last time I saw you, although I prefer to remember the previous March when you came down to Coos Bay for Spring Break- that was a lot of fun. We never did go see that movie, though, did we? I had plans, didn’t know you were coming, you wanted to hang out with Joe… it’s cool, though. And you were supposed to take me to prom! Remember? We talked about how you hadn’t gotten to go to prom, and that you were going to be my date? You probably would have been a lot more fun that the guy I did wind up going with. I still think about you every day.
I think about how, when we were kids, you would come down for summer and stay with us. You’d always wake me up at, like, 8 in the morning, with that rapid (and LOUD) bangbangbangbangbang! on the door, followed by that, what was it, a cackle? The high-pitched witch scream? And I’d roll out of bed, and we’d sit and watch MTV together in the mornings. I adored you! And then I think about when Joe and I would go to your house in central Oregon for the other half of the summer. Gawd, it was hot there, and I was miserable. We didn’t get to hang out much when I went up there, it seemed. But it was fun to meet your friends, when I had the chance, although I always felt like the nerdy too-smart girl around them.
There are so many things that I remember. Sometimes I make myself just sit and remember, so that I won’t forget anything. Man, I was angry when you left. I look back to the summer of ‘92, and realize that your leaving has shaped every single decision I have made since. I don’t think I’ve really fully gotten over it. I don’t think I ever will. I’m not angry anymore, but it took YEARS. As much as it sucks ass to say it, your leaving helped me become the person I am today. I really think you’d like me, maybe even still love me.
I sometimes wonder, if you hadn’t left, what you’d be like these days. Married? Kids? Still being the life of the party; still the one always willing to go the extra step for a friend, or to be in the spotlight? I have no idea what you’d be doing- still working on cars and raising hell is as far as my mind will let me imagine. I still search for men in my life that remind me of you in some small way- the fierce loyalty, the smile, the reckless abandon and life that was you.
So what have I been up to? Well, I graduated high school. I had my terrible turbulent years, but wow, you would have been impressed! I learned how to party like a rock star- or at least as much of a rock star as you could be in Coos Bay if you weren’t into meth. I was a waitress/ student, then a 911 dispatcher, then a student/ bartender/ waitress, then I moved to Portland and learned how to push papers around a desk. I still plan on finishing college, though. I promised you that I would.
I met a guy- I think you’d really, really like him. He’s like you in some ways. But, honestly, I don’t think he and I would be together if you hadn’t have left when you did. It helped me help him through a really tough part of his life. We got married about 3-½ years ago- it was beautiful. I thought about you, on my wedding day. You were supposed to walk with me up that aisle.
I don’t really want to talk about the night you left, or the next morning… there’s another time and place for that, and I honestly don’t want to walk through that emotional jungle again right now.
Right now, I want to remember all of the good times that we had. I knew you my whole life, so there were a lot.
Right now, I want you to know that I adored you more than any other man I have ever met in my life. You were the coolest, the best, the bravest. One look from you could make me feel like I was the smartest, most awesome girl in the world.
Right now, I want you to know that I have never stopped thinking of you, and never stopped missing you. If I could have one wish, it would be to give you a great big bear hug and look into your eyes.
Right now, I want you to know that I’m ok- we’re all ok. It took a long time, and the pain has never really left any of us- but we’ve been able to move forward, albeit some quicker than others. I still hate the 4th of July, though.
Right now, I want you to know that I still love you more than ever. And even though I HATE the fucking cliché, you are still in my heart and my memories.
I love you so much, big brother.
Your sister,
stephanie
8:25 p.m. - 2005-02-10
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